Saturday, 19 April 2014

Memoirs of a Dragonborn Log 18

Log 18

Well there is something to be said for having too good a time on the peach. Hooked up with an athletic imperial legate last night, not sure what her name is, in fact, apart from the peach i don't remember much. What i do know is that somewhere between taking her upstairs to show her my room, and waking up this morning, I've ended up being enlisted in the Imperial army along with Mjoll and several other patrons. I could tell them to shove it but the C.A.C has a moral code of sorts and i was going to have to join at some point, I'm fed up with them and the stormcloaks bickering all the time. 
Oh...apparently her name is Rikke and shes our Legate, that going to be awkward.

Just arrived at fort Hraggstad, i think their expecting us. Rikke and the rest of the troops drew there fire while i sneaked in through a secret backdoor that i used once when i smuggled out some prisoners and the chiefs daughter a long time back. After using my old Guild master skills to silently take out a few guards, i was able to open the main gates and the troops pored in. It felt great to be back in the midst of a proper battle again, to feel that surge of adrenalin that comes hand in hand with war. To have my skills challenged and stretched to their limits. This battle was no exception and me and Mjoll had to bail each other out of a tight spot a dozen times at least. The noise was horrendous and by the end there was not an imperial left standing that was not caked in the blood of the enemy, including me, i shall have the smell of stormcloak on me for days. Unfortunately one casualty was my horse Trumper, the little shit legged it, straight into the spiked barricades. 

We've celebrated our victory and cleared the fort of the dead, ransacked the keep and scoured through the stormcloaks paperwork, and it appears that Ullfric is looking for the legendary Jagged crown. So are going to get their first. Legate Rikke has been given orders to head for Korvanjuned when the reinforcements arrive in two weeks, so i have taken my leave and my red blooded lioness, to quickly pop across to this Dawnguard place and see what they can tell us about Dimhollow. We've agreed to to meet Legate at Korvanjuned by the the waxing of Suns Dawn.

Memoirs of a Dragonborn Log 16

Log 16

The Hall of the Vigilant has been burnt to a crisp and it looks like a surprise attack, theres no survivors, not vigilant enough by the looks of it. I have to say they got on my tit a bit with their constant preaching whenever i bumped into them and although they've given me room and board a couple of times, they r seriously judgemental, and I'm pretty certain they would have killed me in my sleep if they`d have known i was a companion, if you get my drift. Having said that, i did feel kind of sorry for them when we searched through the carnage today.

More dead bodies in the basement. This seems to be the handy work of vampires, probably Volkihar but we cant be shore due to the fire damage. Golldir suggested we bury the bodies, with a second from Mjoll that we dry stake them first, lest they try to rise again.

Made our way up the narrow path to dimhollow this morning and just as i thought, it is a tomb of some sort, although were not going to know for a while as the way into its depths is blocked by a colossus cave in. Kharjo and some of the others are going to set up camp back at the hall of the Vigilants, while Golldir and Annekke crag-jumper jog back to Dawnstar and see if they can hire a mining crew.

See, steps. Not a cave. Looks inviting though.

While were waiting, we've decided to try and rebuild the Hall, it beats sitting around, and anyway, it`s always handy for fellow travellers if theres somewhere to rest up from the elements, its bloody cold up here. The next cave we explore, I'm going to make sure its somewhere tropical.

What a team. The Hall is half rebuilt, Ive personally manged to fix most of the furniture and Illia has managed to craft blankets and pillows. Golldir and Annekke are back  with half a dozen meagre looking miners, and they recon it could take as long as six weeks to clear the way and make it safe. We've talked extensively about this dimhollow and we know its a vampire haunt. There also seems to be some talk about it being some sort of prison but nobody is really shore so, me and Mjoll are going to pop back to Dawnstar ourselves and have a chat with Medenna in the white hall. She always knows something. Might pop in and see mum while I'm there, I'm in serious need of some pampering. 

Memoirs of a Dragonborn Log 15

Log 15

          Had a meagre breakfast as my stomach was a bit worse for wear this morning. I wasn't the worst of us though. She cant half put it away.

Just realised I may have inadvertently posted A message to the missus on my blog by 
Mistake, cant seem to delete it at the moment so please just ignore it. 

Been travelling for 5 hours now, and headed towards the Hall of the vigilant. Dimhollow is supposed to be a couple of hours from there. so we've stopped for a food break. We've  covered some good ground, passed the time singing limericks and playing "I went to shop in whiterun", I think we must all still be suffering from alcohol poisoning because it played out even more redonculouse than normal. This is what we ended up with.

I went to the shops in Whiterun and I brought, some Argonian Aphrodisiacs, a bushel of Blisterwart, a bent sword, some cabbages, some creamy mammoth cheese, a Dibella statue, Ebony arrows, a Fancy dress from Falkreath, Giants underpants, a bucket of Helgan weed, a holy moly, an irritating bard,  iron arrows, Jester stick or just a stick (were not sure), 2 Kinky Keflings, Volume One of The Lusty Argonian Maid with two pages missing, a bucket of cold water, Mara`s Bra, the Oghma Infinitum, a travellers guide to Whiterun, straw, Anti bandit bandages, a goat, Rjorn`s drum,   page 15 of The Lusty Argonian maid, the quill of Gemination, Rayya's Rampant Rabbit, Page 28 of the lusty Argonian maid, another bucket of cold water, a swaying spectral spook,  a bee in a jar, A sea in a jar, an eye in a jar, Svana far shields Chastity key, a jay in a jar, Pee in a jar, a fairies cue in a jar, Tea in a jar, an unofficial kingdom party invite, an official C.A.C. orgy invite...
That's as far as we got.

Just found out Jordis sword maiden got married last Mid Year, didn't stop her getting frisky in the field though, and I thought I was bad. Apparently the lucky fella is a Breton bard named Grave Dillmor that she met in Tamrial at the Tiber's day celebrations. Wed all had a standing bet with Farkas who reckoned shed be married within two years. Now we've had a sweep on how long it will last. I got 36 months

Theres been a lot of talk about Vampires this year, and i know that they are about although i haven't bumped into any in a long time, but the lanthropic hackles on the back of my neck have stood up a couple of times these last couple of months. There was no mistaking that feeling when we neared the hall of the vigilant.

There all dead!, stiffs, Bereft of life, they rest in peace, they've curled up their tootsies, they've shuffled off this mortal coil, all metabolic processes are inoperative, they fucking snuffed it.


Friday, 11 April 2014

Memoirs of a Dragonborn Log 17

Log 17

Madenna wasn't about so Mjoll suggested we ask at the Mythic Dawn museum, i know there not vampire hunters, but as the Vigilant are no more, were clutching at straws from here on in. On the way we bumped into Toevak Wayfinder, or captain Wayfinder as he is now known. Turns out his mum, Fraisal Wayfinder, pasted away last year and left him the business. His crew think he`s still a bit green to be captain, but that frogskin  potion he drank as a child is NEVER going to wear off so i think they re lumbered. Actually its sad but quite bizarre. Imagine the odds of a dragon attacking a town, the dragon is mortally wounded and falls to the ground, its tail hits a plank that has a bucket of nails on it that Johnna Groats has been using to repair the walls of Fraisel`s house that had been badly damaged by fire from the last dragon attack, a fire that Fraisal had barely managed to escape from. The dragons tail had slapped down on the plank, sending the bucket and its contents flying into the air. they'd landed at Fraisel`s feet as she was coming out of the farmhouse down the road where she was staying while the repairs were carried out. The noise startled a horse that was busy ploughing and it had bolted down the road. Fraisel had managed to dive out of the way, but the plough had snagged the hem of her dress, and dragged her 100 feet down the way before the stitching gave way and she came rolling to a stop. Shed escaped with only cuts and bruises but weeks later, and infection that originated in a wound caused by a nail that shed injured herself on in the incident, took hold and within days she was dead, it shouldn't be funny but Mjoll said that that dragon still nailed her.sorry.
Anyway, Toevak is looking for some cargo for Solitude, where theres a demand for Fine cut Voidsalts. I said id keep my ears and ears open.


The tour guide at the museum, i say museum, but its just a hut with some stuff in it really, called us a couple of idiots and said that this is a museum of the mythic dawn, and said the clue was in the sign hanging over the door. He was a bit of a weirdo actually, Scrawny and grey, reminded me of a hermit. He insisted on giving us a tour and when we said we didn't have time for that, he shoved coin in our hands and begged us to let him, as he'd been sitting in that chair waiting for someone to come in and ask for the tour for the last six months, and we're the first people to come through the door. To be honest i quite enjoyed it. The history was very in depth and my name was mentioned in some of the later chapters. Mjoll and i dressed up for some theme photos which were quite reasonably priced. We got to watch a Ghost of the Mythic dawn perform a sacrifice in a scenario down in the basement where there was also massive diorama in miniature of the Shrine of Mehrunes Dagon, with little rats and everything. Their was a free mug of milk at the end and i brought the kids a Mythic Dawn action figure each, an ornament for Lidia, and Some Mythic wine for me and Mjoll to share later.

Me and Mjoll as the Mythic Dawn

Wilchin, the tour guide, said wed made an old man very happy and said that  although he didn't know much about vampires, the museums research had uncovered some information about the a word wall located there, and a subterranean lake that surrounds a stone ceremonial construction that some have called the Koldvault. He couldn't really tell us anything ells but he did direct us to Dawngaurd if we were desperate to know more. Apparently they know everything there is to know about Vampires. Its a bit of a trek, but Ive just had a message from the gang, on my tablet, saying the miners have stopped working and gone home. Something to do with the Miners union not allowing them to mine for three weeks from the 1st of morning star. I recon its no coincidence that the 1st signifies the beginning of the New Life Festival, that and the fact that all the taverns traditionally serve free ale at this time, so me and Mjoll double timed it to the Windpeak inn, to see if we could still get a room, before it gets busy...and before they run out of ale!
Boy! what a Night.

Saturday, 5 April 2014

Memoirs of a Dragonborn Log 14

Log 14

Its taken nearly six days, a couple of bears, half a dozen dead bandits and several romps in the grass, but we've made it to the Nightgate inn, with just one day to spare  before Kharjo and the gang left for the cave. After a brief rest and wash up we all met in the bar for an update on where the hell we were going. Dimhollow, (sounds like a tomb to me) and then Mjarr insisted we play drinking games. We were doing fine with that, until Fenwitt suggested Noggin Topper. Its big in Solitude. For those of you that don't know it, let me explain the rules:

1.Get a round in as per normal but include a bottle of something that takes away the power of speech, preferably Calovian brandy or Blackbrier is good. This is called the Topper.
2.Find yourselves a table and sit down, your going to need it. Place a shot class on the neck of the Topper and place it at the centre of the table,and....
3. ....Make sure at least one of you has some restoration salts ready for the morning after.

Now keep an eye on the rest of the patrons. If a soldier walks in they become the Noggin and the aim is to be the first one to shout Noggin and point at one of your group of drinking buddies. Aim for the light weight in the group. You are now the Spotter and get to take half a shot from the Topper, your designated buddy becomes the Dropper, has to shout Noggin Topper and salute the soldier before taken a full shot from the Topper him/herself, and Whom ever takes the last shot from the Topper buys the next bottle. The game is adaptable to the environment so if your in winterhold the Noggin would be a Stormcloak or any other city guard depending on where you are at the time.
If there is a shortage of soldiers or you just want the Topper to empty quicker you can have as many different Noggins as you want.  For example, if you want to rib the wealthy patrons who enter, just shout Toffee/Toffee Hoffer, Farmers are Veggi/Veggi Pullers and hot people are Hubber/Hubber FubRub.

Here's a list of the ones i know.


Noggin Topper
Salute the soldier

Veggi Puller
Thumbs up
Eye Candy
Hubber  FubRub
Any sexual gesture acceptable
Vulkha Polka
Both palms outward- use this one with caution
Pond Gulper
Mime the breaststroke
Kitty Litter
Mime washing ear with paw- Kharjo hates this one

Scum Puncher
Raised fist
Everyone shouts Malacath – its customary to throw peanuts if you have any
Check your pockets
Check your pockets- No seriously, check them
Vengence Verdi
Thumb in each ear and waggle your fingers
Wingardium Leviossa
This can also be used for Witches and Necros in the unlikely event that they show up. Do the actions we all know this.
Anyone with a pet
Wagger Dragger
Spam someone in the game
Kill Frenzy
Doesn't happen very often but If anyone does manage to kill them with a projectile, everyone ells clockwise from the killer has to take a whole shot. Warning: Drinking games and projectiles are dangerous lol.

If the game is slow you can add as many Noggins as you need to make the game more exciting, or even make up some of your own. If the Dropper hesitates to respond to the shout of the Spotter, or their response is incorrect (this happens more frequently as the evening moves on), they must down their shot and receive a forfeit from the rest of the group. These can vary in the level of embarrassment. If anyone is asleep, unconscious or otherwise ignorant of their surroundings, it is traditional to perform japes, for examples, you can graffiti their faces with charcoal, tie their boot laces together and scream Bandit in their ears (my personal favorite), or take them to their room, put them to bed naked, and then carry their bed out and place it in the street with a sign on it that says 5GP per shag, where they can wake up to find a goat laying next to them and the locals having  a bloody good laugh at the their expense. After Id covered myself up with a blanket, some of the lovely bar staff helped me put my bed back in my room and then Elennor put me back in my bed...mmm, warm and comfy.

Some of the helpful staff at the Nightgate Inn

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

still at Lagashbur camp honey.....

still at Lagashbur camp honey, how are the kids, have you had the talk about the choice of attire with Maggot yet. Otherwise I'm cancelling the boots..

          Dear Fluffy. i miss you, try to pop back home as soon as you get the chance, your friend from Skall, Frea is coming to visit. shes staying till the end of the year and i would be nice if you could be here some time before then, Bring me something nice back my Little fluffy wolf. xx

 Just left largashbur. You'll never believe what happened, tell you when i get home,will see what i can do with the pressie, Make her comfortable in the green room, The view of the mountains will remind her of home. Shes a shaman, you two will get on like a house on fire. Ask her if she can do anything about your problem. miss you to my naughty pixy x

          Dear Fluffy wuffy. why haven't you replied to my last text, don't tell me you've lost your tablet already, if you have your in big trouble mister. Wuvs you loads my love. xx

i did reply but i must have deleted it by mistake. I miss you too x Got your pressie for you, just left Largashbur, their chief was in some deep shit when we got there, which resulted in me and Mjoll having to cut the Munchers head off, will tell you all about it when i get back, did you have the talk with Maggot, Frea can stay in the green room, will do my best to get back before she leaves, ask her about your condition, shes a shaman, they cure that sort of thing don't they, has the mage turned up about that dragon problem yet. Miss you my naughty Pixie x

         What the hell is Mjoll doing there, you didn't say she was going with you, I haven't forgotten what your like when your in the field, your either Searching somewhere. smashing something, or shagging someone. Don't go catching old salty. I'm not playing nurse maid again!
p.s Glad you haven't lost your tablet.
P.P.s don't call her Maggot, you know it upsets her.

Oh...but you look so saucy in that outfit. sorry about Mjoll but I didn't bring her with me, she was at Largashbur and shes on her way to the nightgate, Johna invited her. Anyway, she clean now honey, and its just to let off steam. you know your the only one i love my sparkly pixie x

         Did you just delete your message again? That better be why you haven't answered me since yesterday.

Oh...but you look so saucy in that outfit. sorry about Mjoll but I didn't bring her with me, she was at Largashbur and shes on her way to the nightgate, Johna invited her. Anyway, she clean now honey, and its just to let off steam. you know your the only one i love my sparkly pixie x

          Ok then.     Just spoke to the Tailor in solitude and hes going to make Magrett 3 outfits if she burns them short skirts that you hate, when we get back home.  The mage is going to be arriving a week from today although hes not sure what he can do as hes never come across this problem before. Lets not fight about the lioness anymore, just don't go tiring yourself out before you get back. Got to go, crystles running low.
love and cuddles my little wolfie xx

Friday, 28 March 2014

Memoirs of a Dragonborn - Log 12

Log 12

          When we got to Largashbur it was all a bit of an anticlimax. Just like the postcard suggests, the Malacath Ritual is usually just one big continual unadulterated party, with music, dancing, women, alcohol and Skooma. I was hoping to see Mjoll let her hair down and get wild, but they've obviously been having some problems cos there were only a hand full of the tribe left and their chief Yamarz had banned any form of partying. Apparently he's fed up with "puny humans", drinking all the booze and running off with all the best sheorcs. In fact he made several brave jibes about how me and Mjall shouldn't even be sullying the ritual with our presence in the first place.
       He's turned into a bit of a dick since becoming chief, and apparently he's had a bit of a falling out with a family of travelling cave giants that have decided to stop and pitch up tents in Fallowstone cave. Since they turned up, livestock have gone missing, wheels have been half inched off the Orcs carts, there's Mammoth poo patties all over the place, and you can't leave the camp without one of them trying to force You to buy their lucky Dragon's tongue.
        I pointed out that we had supplied the ingredients for the ritual so he said we could stay, although that didn't stop him from constantly winging about are kind, bloody racist.
        while Atub was mixing the ingredients, and drinking the whole bottle of BlackBrier white spirit, the voice of Malacath boomed from the skies and began giving Yamarz a right roasting. Me and Mjoll ended up in a fit of giggles listening toYamarz being admonished for letting the camp go to ruin. Malacath has charged him with a quest to go and kill Shagratt, the chief giant and bring back his sacred Croquet stick thing. Me and Mjoll were ordered to go with him to make sure he didn't get lost or something. Mjoll don't like to take orders, but as I pointed out, it was a cave, and we get to smash giants, that put a lustful grin back on her face.

          Fallowstone cave turned out to be a small class 3f. About 5 acres, cathedral high ceiling, running water, a medium sized waterfall, and home to a clan of bears, at least there used to be as I'm sure I've been here before. There were no bears, or giants, but there was now a back door in the far chamber that Yamarz said the giants had knocked out into a sunny glade. You could tell by the smell and the fact that Yamarz suddenly had an attack of cowardice that we had neared the giants camp. He started complaining that his war wound was acting up, and started searching in his sack for some medicinal herbs. I've been to the DreamDragons Theatre so I know what good acting is, and Yarmarz's performance was nothing like it, but we came to an agreement. We go kill the giants and we get to stay at Largashbur 4 weeks every year for free and we get some complimentary bath robes. I think me and Mjall had been expecting him to woos out anyway, rucking pussy.

         Well we annihilated the giant and got the Croquet mallet.  Shagratt was the only one there. The rest of his Mess had probably gone out hunting, thieving or whatever it is they do at night, leaving their chief with obviously too much time on his hands. When we crept to the edge of camp he was busy mincing around the fire in some sort of homemade silk dress and tiara, talking in his best lady voice, and blowing kisses to the trees. It was such a funny sight that Mjoll blew her cover with another outburst of the giggles. I did warn her about the Largashbur weed.
       The chief had looked up from his hilarious roll play frozen like an over sized bunny in Mage light, and growled in Mjoll's direction. It was funny. if id had time i would have taken a picture there and then. He was pretty big for a giant, more like a mountain giant, and he hadn't seen me, so i stayed in the shadows and we performed the "Hunters Lure" technique. Its like the game of chicken with a sting. Mjoll gets their attention and then stands her ground while they charge towards her. We've used this move on Bears, Druags and various other mammals many times. I wait in the shadows, weapon drawn, and as the target gets within striking distance of Mjoll, i leap out from nowhere and end their pain. Not once have i seen Mjoll flinch, and i let them get pretty close before i attack. This time i really tried.
         Shagratt would have been an impressive sight as he thundered towards her if not for the fact that he had his mallet in one hand and his dress hem in the other so that his ruby red slippers sparkled in the moonlight.   As he raised his weapon and boar down on Mjoll, id waited later than i ever have before springing from my hide and kebabbing him with my blade. Id let him get so close that blood had spattered onto Mjoll's face, and she didn't even blink, as his charge came to a clumsy halt of disbelief, just feet away from her. His gigantic, Priscilla Queen of the woods body, came crashing down like a mighty tree at Mjolls feet, and shed just looked at me, wiped the blood from her face and let out a roar, crazy bitch.
          We found most of the Orcs cart wheels, remains of livestock, and a couple of sheorcs fast asleep in the chiefs tent, but nothing of interest to the seasoned adventurer so we grabbed the Croquet stick and left

Shrine of Malacath at the giants camp?

          It was no surprise  that when we returned to where Yamarz was now drinking ale and gorging himself on the last of the pulled pork, he said that he had changed his mind about the free accommodation deal, and that he was going to have to kill us. He wanted to take the mallet back and claim all glory of the kill. Well that's 30 seconds ill never get back.Then he tried to leg it, another 30 seconds wasted. Then he tried apologising, but the rules of the C.A.C clearly state "No retreat, no surrender" or "You started this so I'm Gonna finish it"!

          Arrived back at Largashbur after a long night of Revaling and marshmallows by the camp fire, only to find that Malacath was not available for the ritual as he'd popped off to a health spar for the weekend. Instead his eldest daughter Sharunn was standing in for him and she sounded hot. Apparently things have gone pretty much to plan. Malacath knew that Yam would get us to do his dirty work and foresaw that we would dispose of him so all was good in the hood. She said that Yam's offer would be honoured and even signed the bath robes for us. She said that that Nords are more impressive than she had imagined, especially when it comes to ravelling, that we were now her favoured champions, and when i tried to present the  Mallet to her, she said that i should keep it as she wants her champion to have a big mallet. I may have blushed, I'm not sure.
          Its been two days and we are half way to the Nightgate. would have been there by now if someone hadn't jacked our dragon at Largashbur. It was nice sitting by the fire this evening, relaxing in the warm air and free from our armour for the first time in a week, I told Mjoll how Shharun had slipped her calling card in my codpiece as we'd left. Mjoll was stretched out on a cow skin, letting the light from fire dance over her exposed torso, a lusty grin smeared across her face. Turns out that Mjoll had caught the goddesses eye as well...

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Memoirs of a Dragonborn - Log 11

Log 11

 On my way back to the manor, I wondered again about Adrienne's nervousness during my visit and couldn't help noticing on the way home that it seemed to be a common condition. Doors closed and windows shuttered as I walked through the sticks. The weirdest thing was that everyone seemed to stink of garlic.
When i finally got back home, i found Lydia having a Nymph summers party with a dozen of her lady friends and i found myself banished to the cellar to work on my smithing, as men aren't allowed to these sort of parties. i went quietly as i knew full well that i had a nice big stash of invisibility potions down there. All i can say is wow, what a great party!

Received a letter from Kharjo, an old friend from the Windscape branch of C.A.C in Dawnstar. I haven't seen him since last Morning Star, when i was working out some Evil villain problems for the head honcho in Ravenrock, when my steed, Shadowmere, went missing.
         Apparently he's staying at the Nightgate inn for the next month, and then him and some of the gang are going off cave exploring. There's a Smash, (Ancient tomb) in The Pale that they have heard rumours about. The letter didn't say much more, but I took it as an invite. It may not be an ancient cave, but even i can appreciate an ancient tomb, I used to be a fully paid up member of T.A.C.

Managed to legend up some Ebony, Elven and Dwarfen armour ready for the armoury, which Lydia (the wife) recons is turning into some sort of museum. Could be some money in that idea. I told her she could be an exhibit, that went down like an Iron balloon.

Had got my C.A.C grab bag ready, my weapons had been charged, sharpened, and I'd given Lydia her potion to try and help with her constant shuffling. I was just about to walk out the door when Atub, the head priestess from Largashbur paid a visit. Now i don't mind Orcs in general, and I know there was all that trouble in middle earth with Sauron and the trees and stuff, but I'm not so sure they had any other way to get the right to vote.
Anyway, she turned up as I was saying my goodbyes, on the scrounge for ingredients for their ritual to Malacath. I gave her the Deidra heart, Troll fat and BlackBriar white spirit, but I drew the line at letting her have Hoar (my son), for the blood letting, much as I'd like to be shot of the little brat for a while, and anyway, she said that a Coney would do the job just as well. Lydia insisted that I escort her back as its on my way, well actually isn't, but i have a dragon coupon that's good for one week, so I thought, what the hell.

A classic postcard of the Ritual at Largashbur

Have just made a pit stop at lake Honrich in the Rift after spotting a bit of trouble on the shore. Bit of a surprise as it turned out to be Mjoll. Haven't seen her since she was chief bridesmaid at my wedding. Me and Atub sat down and watched her dispatching half a dozen bandits single handed. She is just amazing, striking out, first with the sword then the axe. At one point she actually smashed one guys face with the blunt side of her axe as he came in from the left, while simultaneously delivering a mighty uppercut to a guy on the right with her dagger, grunting like a wild cat with every blow, that's why the C.A.C named her the lioness.
After we had caught up on old times, I explained about My escort duties, and about meeting up with Kharjo and the gang for a bit of smash and grab. She begged to come , in that deep husky Nordic voice, saying "She was itching for a good fight". I pointed out the bandits bodies sprawled around the camp site, but she just said "yes, but it wasn't a fair fight, they were bandits, and there were only six of them". Man, I love that accent.


Monday, 10 March 2014

Memoirs of a Dragonborn - Log 10

Log 10

 Its happened again. Bob and me were working late into the night, and i was just showing him out when another dragon just dropped dead from the sky and landed on the front lawn. It smelt like it had been dead for a week. This is the tenth dragon to shuffle off its mortal coil and land in my yard and I'm beginning to wonder if I've built my house under some sort of Dragon Skyrim Triangle. Come to think of it, i did get given this whole piece of land for free when i spent over 60 gp at Widgets and fings. Mmmm... My missus recons it might be something to do with being Dragon born. I'm not quite sure what to do about it but I've sent Hedge out to hire someone from Pest control to see if there's anything that can be done.
I'm off to Whiterun tomorrow to get some more glass as I'm having to build a second armory. I Really have got a lot more artifacts, weapons and Armour than i realized. Some of this stuff is going to need cleaning, or carbon dating lol. So i need to draw up some plans and then I'm off round Kyten's for some band practice and a social this evening.
"Bug off" (pest control) have just left. He said that dragons are not really what he deals with and suggested i try a Mage. I'm that desperate i'll try anything at this point, they make such a dent when they hit the ground and I'm running out of places to bury them. I'll ask around while I'm in Whiterun tomorrow.

A classic shot of Dragonreach

The members of the Bannered mare cave appreciation club.
That's me, front right.

 Its been quite a few months since i went to Whiterun. It all started off so pleasantly. Bumped into Adrienne of Warmaidens and she seemed pleased to see me after all these months and yet nervous at the same time. I just put it down to her being star struck. It happens a lot when your dragon born, I've kind of got complacent about it now.
I stuck a big fat bag of coins in her charcoal smeared hands along with an order for a substantial amount of iron. Then Olfberth (Adrienne"s Partner), Walked in from out the back, gave me a look that said, "I have my suspicions about how my wife hurt her back when she went to the wedding at the Blue Palace, and it may have been a long time ago, but I'm the type of guy that likes to let these sort of things fester and then I can go a bit crazy".
I took that as my cue to leave as I've been that kind of crazy myself. Its angry and exhilarating, bloody, satisfying... and not without consequence, as the Whiterun guards very kindly explained to me while they dragged me across to the jails.
Over the next twenty days, flashes of a small drunken disagreement with half a regiment of Whiterun guards began to recount itself to my now, sober mind, and I remembered why I hadn't returned to Whiterun in a year and a half. I tried explaining that I was a Dragonborn and that I'd been the one who returned the Dragonstone, but they weren't that impressed. They told me they get x celebrities through the gates all the time and they "don't wanna go settin a president".
Why didn't I go to Falkreath. They like me there.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Memoirs of a Dragonborn - Log 9

Homes under my hammer

I do have some people to see and places to be this month but I really need to finish my building projects at the manor so I can move the rest of my stuff in and give my good wife a reason to not smack me upside my head with the ladle every time I walk through the door, so I'd better get to it.
I really don't understand it. I put a Lightning rune on the porch outside the front door with a big sign saying "NO JUNK MAIL" so WTF...

Now that I've cleared that up,. I've taken the rune down and replaced it with a bear trap, perhaps Pat will get the hint.
Now i can get back to work on the East wing Armory. When I've finished building, I'll try and give you a video tour of the manor.
Got most of the weapons racks in place and then one of the Thirsk hall tribe turned up for a surprise visit, surprise? I didn't even tell them where I lived. Apparently they are the worlds best trackers and I leave a trail that even a blind rabbit could follow. I've decided to call him Bob as his Raiklin name sounds something like the noise you'd make if you trapped your Hero credits in a bear trap, which is funny because I'm sure I heard the messenger calling his name this afternoon.

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Memoirs of a Dragonborn - Log 8

Dwarfs and their machines

           Sent Hedge to hire a cleaner who deals with the dead, while I tried explaining to the missis. They had a great time at the petting zoo and I was enjoying their recounting of the day when Hoaur, my son, dropped the bombshell that they had brought a pet. A baby Skeaver named Scratch. I've have one myself for about a year that lives in the basement, called Itch ( he's such a flea bag) but I keep my stash down there so he makes a great guard. Hoaur wanted one like dads but I laid down the rules straight away. I expect it house trained by the time I get back from my next job. Last time it was a pet oil spider, and when I came home from a job in Whistan pass, I found the whole family hanging from the ceiling. The missis never was very good at cleaning out the cobwebs lol. He is pretty cute though.
          Anyway, some guy called Suoe (sure that's a girls name) in the Retching Netch in Ravenrock has offered to pay me for every Rieklin scalp I bring him. God knows what he's going to do with them, I didn't ask, and I don't want to know. It is a good deal and my tribe of Rieklins back at Thirsk Mead Hall have been having a lot of trouble with the Moesring clan at the top of Mount Raven so its killing two birds with one stone.

          Half way up and the weather is drawing in. Not that keen on the snow but it does make it hard for things to sneak up on you And it does mean you can see the cack before you step in it.
            Well its taken me the best part of two days and I'm at the top. I would say the view from here is breathtaking but I'm too busy trying to catch my breath at the moment. The airs a bit thin and I've just dealt with some Rieklin.
           Looted everything of value that I can find,and believe me,that wasn't much and collected the Reiklin scalps, pretty disgusting task in itself if I'm honest,  but I can see why Suoe would be interested if he's some sort of weapon smith cos the Rieklins hair seems very feather like and could be made into excellent  fletchings. I might take one back with and have a fiddle myself. 
        Now this is really weird. One of the Rieklin dwelling seems to have been made out of some dwarvan piece of machinery. Now I know I'm on the top of a mountain, but it looks like some sort of steam powered boat,,,or maybe a flying contraption? Dwarf's and their machines.

          Sorted out the rest of the Rieklins. Actually their quite reasonable one you learn their lingo and do the voice, which is easy if you have a gold coin between your teeth when someone whacks you in the plums with a mammoth tusk. We sat around the fire and smoked their moonsugar pipe and made a deal. They offered me twice what Suoe had offered if i promised not to kill anymore of them and explained that the only reason they had gone down to the moonshine drinking rednecks at Thirsk Hall in the first place, was to get the snow shovel back that they lent them last winter. I promised I would get it sent back to them asap, gave them my email in case they wanted to order any moonshine, then before I left I took the guy with the mammoth tusk (or girl, its so difficult to tell), round the back and gave him what I like to call education in first aid.

Monday, 3 March 2014

Memoirs of a Dragonborn - Log 7

Log 7

          Back at the manner with my last sack of gold and the missis has taken the kids to the petting zoo in Solitude for the weekend, so I'm having a sort out while Hedge, my house Carl, (his real names Privet) has gone out to see if he can round up some dancing girls. 

Half way through my inventory and I have 367 books in my personal library. I thought I'd skimmed through most of them, when I came across a book that I had locked away in the safe, the Oghma Infinitum. Its an awful book,the cover is made from the flesh of all races and it doesn't have any pictures so I hadn't bothered to look at I before. When I opened it I found it had magical runes which to cut a long story short, made some of my flab disappear, filled me with a schoomer like invincibility and I felt like I could still handle my weapon even if Id lost my right arm, cool.

Well its Sunday morning and the place is a bit of a mess from the debauchery last night. Hedge brought back five dancers, two Nords an Imperial, two very accommodating Khajiit named Fluffy and Skhatt and an Argonian that he sneaked off to cellar with in the early hours.
          Its the morning after the night before and the Imperial ,Nigella has offered to cook a fry up, the two Nord's are tidying the place up a bit and Fluffy and Skhatt are going to explain the rules of Khajiitium twister to me again.

          OK, lesson learnt. Do at some point in your lives get two delightful energetic Khajiits to teach you the finer Nuance's of  Khajiitium Twister, let Nigella serve you breakfast, it was lush. Keep an eye on Nord's, they ran off with my best fucking silver. And don't leave your house Carl Hedge alone in the cellar stuffing an Argonian. How was I to know he was an insane taxidermist.

Memoirs of a Dragonborn - Log 6

          Log 6

          Met up with the hippy historian at his buried ruins this evening. He seems to know quite a lot about old antiquity things so I let him take a look at the scimitars. As we sat around the camp fire he started spouting off about some guy called Haknir, the nines dirty secret,  the death brand and his magic armour, which I didn't find any sign of. Apparently he was a Pirate King and completely bonkers so he had his crew buried with him. I thought they looked a bit pissed off. Anyhow, he was waving these scimitars about and telling me about how when used together, these cursed weapons of Haknirs imbue the wielder with the power of greyskull or something, when he started giving of a faint glow and the grin on his face started getting bigger and bigger. If his grin had got any cheesier  you could have rolled him down a hill. They have a tradition of doing that in Riften, anyway, I digress. The hippy was waving these things about and blabbering on so much that neither of us sore the lone injured whiterun guard come staggering out of the shadows, until the hippy with a dramatic articulation, came to the climax of his history lesson and...well let's just say it wasn't a cheese wheel that rolled and squelched down the track. After that we decided it was best if I took back the scimitars, packed up our things, went our own ways and never spoke of this night again.

Memoirs of a Dragonborn - Log 5

Log 5

Hokay, sho perhapsh I shhoudnt have had lat lasst ale, but I knnoow I'm not halushanating when I Shay that iv hit their muvver loads! I've just found aladinsh cave, and itsh gotta be the bigished haul of golds I've ever sheen,thersh gold and chest fingiesh and cheasts, yep, wait I said dat, and gemsh and dewels. And a rough geush I'd sthay boy 20000 worth. I would be mush more chearfuls, if it went for the factsh that a shtupid porculis ring, (fing) has dropped and now I'm shtick in heresy and a can't get out. BUroorgh...that feels better. Worst than cath, I left the ales in the uvver rooms part..might just shit here and fink what todo nexth...

          I think I passed.....dam my head is banging like potion gone bad. Note to self, go easy on the Nord ale, its nice but has kick on it like mule.

          Anyway ,after downing a minor health potion I felt well enough at least, to assess my situation. They way back was indeed barred but another door leads forward. I have decided to bag up all the gold coins and level them here will I explore further in, I'm not lugging it round with me.

          Bagging that up took about an hour and I was knackered before I'd even started. Don't know how much was in there but it filled 27 large sacks. Its a good job I brought extra doggy bags. It was a short walk down to the tomb and I found myself fighting of the ghost of some aciant warrior dude and his rather persistent hoard of screaming maniacs. Theres three things you need to know about ghosts. A, their dead. B, they don't know their dead, and C, its hard to make them stay dead. Eventually they got the memo.
          Rather interesting, I found this neat scimitar on the alter thingy where the dudes burried and an almost identical one on his smouldering eathreal ashes, and when I hold them both at the same time they give of faint glow and send a strange tingle up my arms. It felt kind of neat but I'm not sure what its doing so will Get it looked at by a specialist. They have some squiggly writing on the blade which is pretty awesome,  Ooh their so light and..and...then I put them away before I did any perminant damage, if I haven't already.

Memoirs of a Dragonborn - Log 4

Log 4

          Weather has taken a turn for the worst out here and I didnt pack my thermals yet again. Good job Asyahh from Skaal talked me into buying his reasonably priced Pants of major frost protection otherwise something serious might have dropped off by now. Got lost on my way to plunder with the hippy and found An old lost Barrow. Well I say lost, there were a few bandits camping around its locked doors but fuckit, there just bandits and everyone knows that bandits are exspresly forbidden to loiter outside any ancient structure, especially Barrows. So I gave them a few warning shots in the head and then picked the locks and took a little peek inside.

Some dead Nord had been hidding out from the bandits in here, for quite a while by the taste of the ale that I prized from his cold dead fingers. That sure warmed up my cockles. The main chamber had caved in long ago but there was at least some Stahlrim to mine so not a complete waste of time.

          Busy mining away and keeping myself warm with Nord ale when the Stahlrim that I'm hacking away at collapses and blow me (that's not a request) if there isn't a secret passage behind it. Time to get a freak on and do what I do best. Ok , perhaps just a couple more of this guys ales and then I'll press on.

Memoirs of a Dragonborn - Log 3

Log 3

Popped back home to check on the family before I go off on another adventure. You know I can't help thinking that when my wife got abducted by those bandits in the hills near White run that something happened, a bit more than she's letting on. Ever since that day there's been something not quite right about her. She can't seem to stand still for a start, and I mean even when she's standing still.  Shes constantly shuffling her feet like she has mini skeavers in her britches. Now it seems to be getting worse as she's taken to walking backwards when she thinks nobody is looking. Now I come to think about it, it was a bit odd, the place where I eventually found her was the same place that I had stashed my valuables while I'd investigated an old ruin. Will have to keep a closer eye on her I think. 
Anyway I've got to head back to Raven Rock and check out this tomb so I've asked my house Carl  Hedge or whatever he calls himself to watch her like a hawk while I'm away.

Memoirs of a Dragonborn - Log 2

          Just spent the best part of an hour sorting out various items, I have shit loads, and making the manner more organised. To use the word anal would be an understatement. Oh my god I'm turning into Sheldon. 
          So back to Raven Rock for some more exploring. Just popped back to the skaal village to let them know that Miraak is no more. Frae has  been promoted to Shaman, what with her dad getting himself killed and everything, but she doesn't really want the gig and offered to join me on my adventures.I told her next time she's in Skyrim she should come see me, bless her little cotton shaman socks. Also gave Baldor another go. He's been ignoring me since I got the Stalhrim treasure map back for him. Maybe I did nick all the Stalhrim before I gave him the map but that's no reason to get the sulking ignoring face on...alright maybe it is but I really wanted him to teach me how to forge with this stuff. I went back the next day and I don't know weather its because I told him I wasn't interested in finding his stupid map or weather his missis had helped with the hammering that lunchtime, but his happy face was back and he told me the secrets of forging Stalhrim, even his wife was talking to me. Ahh happy days. Then I popped in their shop and nicked all their shit! I really don't like being ignored :)
Now this hippy historian Tharstan wants to meet me at Vahloks tomb for a bit of breaking and entering, sounds like fun. 

Memoirs of a Dragonborn - Log 1

Haoirs of a Dragonborn

Log 1

         I suppose an introduction is the best place to start. My name is Miewoud DoFitt, my farther had a sense of humour, my friends call me Hammerfist and the rest of the people of Skyrim call me Dragonborn. Their are a few ofcors who call me other things, but hey, you can't please everybody. I am a Nord and I was born at a small farm on the pale. I lived there till is was twelve when my parents were murdered by bandits and our farm burnt to the ground. I would not have survived myself it wasn't for a passing warrior who sent the murderous bandits down to meet the fiery one. He took me with him, to Dawnguard and as we travelled, he taught me the ways of the warrior, showed me how to hunt, to survive. He gifted me with a sword and taught me how to defend myself with it. He helped me to grow. When we arrived at Dawnstar, he left in the hands of one of his many lady friends. Madam Jasmin, at the house of ill repute. Then he left, no goodbyes. Jasmin became like a mother to me, i worked the bar and her girls taught me..many things and i became a man. 
          I became a bounty hunter, went to the college of Winterhold and got my B.A, Joined the companions and developed a strong appreciation for the full moon but we wont talk anymore about that at the moment. I was invited into the mysterious ranks of the nightingale where i learnt the arts of stealth and assassination, and, undercover, i burnt the dark brother hood to the ground. Finally i fulfilled my destiny and joined the Graybeards on High Hrothgar, who taught me the language of the dragons and the power of the Thu'm, an ancient magical projection of the voice. i became the Dragonbourne and searched the land of skyrim for ancient Thu,ms to learn. I became a member of C.A.C, cave appreciation society, and met Lydia who later became my wife. We adopted two kids and moved to Winstad Manor, a house that i had helped build many years ago. I'm semi retired now, but still a member off C.A.C and T.A.C, still do the odd bit of Bounty hunting, and the Imperial army are still bugging me to join their ranks.

          Now if i wanted to send someone information in the old days, id pay someone to be a Currier, or send a messenger crow, or at a push, id get my boots on and go and talk to them in person, all of which are time consuming. Then there was crystal balls, but there heavy, bulky, messages always get covered in mist and become hard to decipher, any bugger with a ball can see them, and i find them seriously confusing and over complicated. Ive managed to get by with Currier's for years, but Lydia, and the kids have been bugging me for ages now to get one of these up to date Crystal tablets. They say that as I'm away half the time, it would be a great way to keep in touch. I eventually gave in and one was delivered to me this week. Its flat and light so it will be easy to take with me when I'm off exploring, The soul crystals charge is good for twelve months, and i can use it for other things apart from messaging. I can record images with it, use it as a map to find out where the hell i am, and i can even order potions online. So its taken a while to get to grips with, but i thought id have a go at this blogger thing. Write down my adventures and record my days in Skyrim

My first picture with this thing. Now yes, i know ther's three pictures but i haven't yet worked out how to delete the other two. 

Poison damage ebony mail. Don't remember where I retrieved this from but couldn't use it as it kept giving my follower an immediate bout of the squits to the brink of death every time they invaded my personal space which usually meant being in the same room. Needless to say they wasn't impressed so in the end I dumped it in the foot locker back at the manor and didn't wear it again. 
Now however, I might take it out and blow the cobwebs from its noisy links and give it another try as I have just acquired the Companions insight  which should keep any follower safe even if they were grabbing my sweet rolls.