Saturday, 19 April 2014

Memoirs of a Dragonborn Log 18

Log 18

Well there is something to be said for having too good a time on the peach. Hooked up with an athletic imperial legate last night, not sure what her name is, in fact, apart from the peach i don't remember much. What i do know is that somewhere between taking her upstairs to show her my room, and waking up this morning, I've ended up being enlisted in the Imperial army along with Mjoll and several other patrons. I could tell them to shove it but the C.A.C has a moral code of sorts and i was going to have to join at some point, I'm fed up with them and the stormcloaks bickering all the time. 
Oh...apparently her name is Rikke and shes our Legate, that going to be awkward.

Just arrived at fort Hraggstad, i think their expecting us. Rikke and the rest of the troops drew there fire while i sneaked in through a secret backdoor that i used once when i smuggled out some prisoners and the chiefs daughter a long time back. After using my old Guild master skills to silently take out a few guards, i was able to open the main gates and the troops pored in. It felt great to be back in the midst of a proper battle again, to feel that surge of adrenalin that comes hand in hand with war. To have my skills challenged and stretched to their limits. This battle was no exception and me and Mjoll had to bail each other out of a tight spot a dozen times at least. The noise was horrendous and by the end there was not an imperial left standing that was not caked in the blood of the enemy, including me, i shall have the smell of stormcloak on me for days. Unfortunately one casualty was my horse Trumper, the little shit legged it, straight into the spiked barricades. 

We've celebrated our victory and cleared the fort of the dead, ransacked the keep and scoured through the stormcloaks paperwork, and it appears that Ullfric is looking for the legendary Jagged crown. So are going to get their first. Legate Rikke has been given orders to head for Korvanjuned when the reinforcements arrive in two weeks, so i have taken my leave and my red blooded lioness, to quickly pop across to this Dawnguard place and see what they can tell us about Dimhollow. We've agreed to to meet Legate at Korvanjuned by the the waxing of Suns Dawn.

Memoirs of a Dragonborn Log 16

Log 16

The Hall of the Vigilant has been burnt to a crisp and it looks like a surprise attack, theres no survivors, not vigilant enough by the looks of it. I have to say they got on my tit a bit with their constant preaching whenever i bumped into them and although they've given me room and board a couple of times, they r seriously judgemental, and I'm pretty certain they would have killed me in my sleep if they`d have known i was a companion, if you get my drift. Having said that, i did feel kind of sorry for them when we searched through the carnage today.

More dead bodies in the basement. This seems to be the handy work of vampires, probably Volkihar but we cant be shore due to the fire damage. Golldir suggested we bury the bodies, with a second from Mjoll that we dry stake them first, lest they try to rise again.

Made our way up the narrow path to dimhollow this morning and just as i thought, it is a tomb of some sort, although were not going to know for a while as the way into its depths is blocked by a colossus cave in. Kharjo and some of the others are going to set up camp back at the hall of the Vigilants, while Golldir and Annekke crag-jumper jog back to Dawnstar and see if they can hire a mining crew.

See, steps. Not a cave. Looks inviting though.

While were waiting, we've decided to try and rebuild the Hall, it beats sitting around, and anyway, it`s always handy for fellow travellers if theres somewhere to rest up from the elements, its bloody cold up here. The next cave we explore, I'm going to make sure its somewhere tropical.

What a team. The Hall is half rebuilt, Ive personally manged to fix most of the furniture and Illia has managed to craft blankets and pillows. Golldir and Annekke are back  with half a dozen meagre looking miners, and they recon it could take as long as six weeks to clear the way and make it safe. We've talked extensively about this dimhollow and we know its a vampire haunt. There also seems to be some talk about it being some sort of prison but nobody is really shore so, me and Mjoll are going to pop back to Dawnstar ourselves and have a chat with Medenna in the white hall. She always knows something. Might pop in and see mum while I'm there, I'm in serious need of some pampering. 

Memoirs of a Dragonborn Log 15

Log 15

          Had a meagre breakfast as my stomach was a bit worse for wear this morning. I wasn't the worst of us though. She cant half put it away.

Just realised I may have inadvertently posted A message to the missus on my blog by 
Mistake, cant seem to delete it at the moment so please just ignore it. 

Been travelling for 5 hours now, and headed towards the Hall of the vigilant. Dimhollow is supposed to be a couple of hours from there. so we've stopped for a food break. We've  covered some good ground, passed the time singing limericks and playing "I went to shop in whiterun", I think we must all still be suffering from alcohol poisoning because it played out even more redonculouse than normal. This is what we ended up with.

I went to the shops in Whiterun and I brought, some Argonian Aphrodisiacs, a bushel of Blisterwart, a bent sword, some cabbages, some creamy mammoth cheese, a Dibella statue, Ebony arrows, a Fancy dress from Falkreath, Giants underpants, a bucket of Helgan weed, a holy moly, an irritating bard,  iron arrows, Jester stick or just a stick (were not sure), 2 Kinky Keflings, Volume One of The Lusty Argonian Maid with two pages missing, a bucket of cold water, Mara`s Bra, the Oghma Infinitum, a travellers guide to Whiterun, straw, Anti bandit bandages, a goat, Rjorn`s drum,   page 15 of The Lusty Argonian maid, the quill of Gemination, Rayya's Rampant Rabbit, Page 28 of the lusty Argonian maid, another bucket of cold water, a swaying spectral spook,  a bee in a jar, A sea in a jar, an eye in a jar, Svana far shields Chastity key, a jay in a jar, Pee in a jar, a fairies cue in a jar, Tea in a jar, an unofficial kingdom party invite, an official C.A.C. orgy invite...
That's as far as we got.

Just found out Jordis sword maiden got married last Mid Year, didn't stop her getting frisky in the field though, and I thought I was bad. Apparently the lucky fella is a Breton bard named Grave Dillmor that she met in Tamrial at the Tiber's day celebrations. Wed all had a standing bet with Farkas who reckoned shed be married within two years. Now we've had a sweep on how long it will last. I got 36 months

Theres been a lot of talk about Vampires this year, and i know that they are about although i haven't bumped into any in a long time, but the lanthropic hackles on the back of my neck have stood up a couple of times these last couple of months. There was no mistaking that feeling when we neared the hall of the vigilant.

There all dead!, stiffs, Bereft of life, they rest in peace, they've curled up their tootsies, they've shuffled off this mortal coil, all metabolic processes are inoperative, they fucking snuffed it.


Friday, 11 April 2014

Memoirs of a Dragonborn Log 17

Log 17

Madenna wasn't about so Mjoll suggested we ask at the Mythic Dawn museum, i know there not vampire hunters, but as the Vigilant are no more, were clutching at straws from here on in. On the way we bumped into Toevak Wayfinder, or captain Wayfinder as he is now known. Turns out his mum, Fraisal Wayfinder, pasted away last year and left him the business. His crew think he`s still a bit green to be captain, but that frogskin  potion he drank as a child is NEVER going to wear off so i think they re lumbered. Actually its sad but quite bizarre. Imagine the odds of a dragon attacking a town, the dragon is mortally wounded and falls to the ground, its tail hits a plank that has a bucket of nails on it that Johnna Groats has been using to repair the walls of Fraisel`s house that had been badly damaged by fire from the last dragon attack, a fire that Fraisal had barely managed to escape from. The dragons tail had slapped down on the plank, sending the bucket and its contents flying into the air. they'd landed at Fraisel`s feet as she was coming out of the farmhouse down the road where she was staying while the repairs were carried out. The noise startled a horse that was busy ploughing and it had bolted down the road. Fraisel had managed to dive out of the way, but the plough had snagged the hem of her dress, and dragged her 100 feet down the way before the stitching gave way and she came rolling to a stop. Shed escaped with only cuts and bruises but weeks later, and infection that originated in a wound caused by a nail that shed injured herself on in the incident, took hold and within days she was dead, it shouldn't be funny but Mjoll said that that dragon still nailed her.sorry.
Anyway, Toevak is looking for some cargo for Solitude, where theres a demand for Fine cut Voidsalts. I said id keep my ears and ears open.


The tour guide at the museum, i say museum, but its just a hut with some stuff in it really, called us a couple of idiots and said that this is a museum of the mythic dawn, and said the clue was in the sign hanging over the door. He was a bit of a weirdo actually, Scrawny and grey, reminded me of a hermit. He insisted on giving us a tour and when we said we didn't have time for that, he shoved coin in our hands and begged us to let him, as he'd been sitting in that chair waiting for someone to come in and ask for the tour for the last six months, and we're the first people to come through the door. To be honest i quite enjoyed it. The history was very in depth and my name was mentioned in some of the later chapters. Mjoll and i dressed up for some theme photos which were quite reasonably priced. We got to watch a Ghost of the Mythic dawn perform a sacrifice in a scenario down in the basement where there was also massive diorama in miniature of the Shrine of Mehrunes Dagon, with little rats and everything. Their was a free mug of milk at the end and i brought the kids a Mythic Dawn action figure each, an ornament for Lidia, and Some Mythic wine for me and Mjoll to share later.

Me and Mjoll as the Mythic Dawn

Wilchin, the tour guide, said wed made an old man very happy and said that  although he didn't know much about vampires, the museums research had uncovered some information about the a word wall located there, and a subterranean lake that surrounds a stone ceremonial construction that some have called the Koldvault. He couldn't really tell us anything ells but he did direct us to Dawngaurd if we were desperate to know more. Apparently they know everything there is to know about Vampires. Its a bit of a trek, but Ive just had a message from the gang, on my tablet, saying the miners have stopped working and gone home. Something to do with the Miners union not allowing them to mine for three weeks from the 1st of morning star. I recon its no coincidence that the 1st signifies the beginning of the New Life Festival, that and the fact that all the taverns traditionally serve free ale at this time, so me and Mjoll double timed it to the Windpeak inn, to see if we could still get a room, before it gets busy...and before they run out of ale!
Boy! what a Night.

Saturday, 5 April 2014

Memoirs of a Dragonborn Log 14

Log 14

Its taken nearly six days, a couple of bears, half a dozen dead bandits and several romps in the grass, but we've made it to the Nightgate inn, with just one day to spare  before Kharjo and the gang left for the cave. After a brief rest and wash up we all met in the bar for an update on where the hell we were going. Dimhollow, (sounds like a tomb to me) and then Mjarr insisted we play drinking games. We were doing fine with that, until Fenwitt suggested Noggin Topper. Its big in Solitude. For those of you that don't know it, let me explain the rules:

1.Get a round in as per normal but include a bottle of something that takes away the power of speech, preferably Calovian brandy or Blackbrier is good. This is called the Topper.
2.Find yourselves a table and sit down, your going to need it. Place a shot class on the neck of the Topper and place it at the centre of the table,and....
3. ....Make sure at least one of you has some restoration salts ready for the morning after.

Now keep an eye on the rest of the patrons. If a soldier walks in they become the Noggin and the aim is to be the first one to shout Noggin and point at one of your group of drinking buddies. Aim for the light weight in the group. You are now the Spotter and get to take half a shot from the Topper, your designated buddy becomes the Dropper, has to shout Noggin Topper and salute the soldier before taken a full shot from the Topper him/herself, and Whom ever takes the last shot from the Topper buys the next bottle. The game is adaptable to the environment so if your in winterhold the Noggin would be a Stormcloak or any other city guard depending on where you are at the time.
If there is a shortage of soldiers or you just want the Topper to empty quicker you can have as many different Noggins as you want.  For example, if you want to rib the wealthy patrons who enter, just shout Toffee/Toffee Hoffer, Farmers are Veggi/Veggi Pullers and hot people are Hubber/Hubber FubRub.

Here's a list of the ones i know.


Noggin Topper
Salute the soldier

Veggi Puller
Thumbs up
Eye Candy
Hubber  FubRub
Any sexual gesture acceptable
Vulkha Polka
Both palms outward- use this one with caution
Pond Gulper
Mime the breaststroke
Kitty Litter
Mime washing ear with paw- Kharjo hates this one

Scum Puncher
Raised fist
Everyone shouts Malacath – its customary to throw peanuts if you have any
Check your pockets
Check your pockets- No seriously, check them
Vengence Verdi
Thumb in each ear and waggle your fingers
Wingardium Leviossa
This can also be used for Witches and Necros in the unlikely event that they show up. Do the actions we all know this.
Anyone with a pet
Wagger Dragger
Spam someone in the game
Kill Frenzy
Doesn't happen very often but If anyone does manage to kill them with a projectile, everyone ells clockwise from the killer has to take a whole shot. Warning: Drinking games and projectiles are dangerous lol.

If the game is slow you can add as many Noggins as you need to make the game more exciting, or even make up some of your own. If the Dropper hesitates to respond to the shout of the Spotter, or their response is incorrect (this happens more frequently as the evening moves on), they must down their shot and receive a forfeit from the rest of the group. These can vary in the level of embarrassment. If anyone is asleep, unconscious or otherwise ignorant of their surroundings, it is traditional to perform japes, for examples, you can graffiti their faces with charcoal, tie their boot laces together and scream Bandit in their ears (my personal favorite), or take them to their room, put them to bed naked, and then carry their bed out and place it in the street with a sign on it that says 5GP per shag, where they can wake up to find a goat laying next to them and the locals having  a bloody good laugh at the their expense. After Id covered myself up with a blanket, some of the lovely bar staff helped me put my bed back in my room and then Elennor put me back in my bed...mmm, warm and comfy.

Some of the helpful staff at the Nightgate Inn

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

still at Lagashbur camp honey.....

still at Lagashbur camp honey, how are the kids, have you had the talk about the choice of attire with Maggot yet. Otherwise I'm cancelling the boots..

          Dear Fluffy. i miss you, try to pop back home as soon as you get the chance, your friend from Skall, Frea is coming to visit. shes staying till the end of the year and i would be nice if you could be here some time before then, Bring me something nice back my Little fluffy wolf. xx

 Just left largashbur. You'll never believe what happened, tell you when i get home,will see what i can do with the pressie, Make her comfortable in the green room, The view of the mountains will remind her of home. Shes a shaman, you two will get on like a house on fire. Ask her if she can do anything about your problem. miss you to my naughty pixy x

          Dear Fluffy wuffy. why haven't you replied to my last text, don't tell me you've lost your tablet already, if you have your in big trouble mister. Wuvs you loads my love. xx

i did reply but i must have deleted it by mistake. I miss you too x Got your pressie for you, just left Largashbur, their chief was in some deep shit when we got there, which resulted in me and Mjoll having to cut the Munchers head off, will tell you all about it when i get back, did you have the talk with Maggot, Frea can stay in the green room, will do my best to get back before she leaves, ask her about your condition, shes a shaman, they cure that sort of thing don't they, has the mage turned up about that dragon problem yet. Miss you my naughty Pixie x

         What the hell is Mjoll doing there, you didn't say she was going with you, I haven't forgotten what your like when your in the field, your either Searching somewhere. smashing something, or shagging someone. Don't go catching old salty. I'm not playing nurse maid again!
p.s Glad you haven't lost your tablet.
P.P.s don't call her Maggot, you know it upsets her.

Oh...but you look so saucy in that outfit. sorry about Mjoll but I didn't bring her with me, she was at Largashbur and shes on her way to the nightgate, Johna invited her. Anyway, she clean now honey, and its just to let off steam. you know your the only one i love my sparkly pixie x

         Did you just delete your message again? That better be why you haven't answered me since yesterday.

Oh...but you look so saucy in that outfit. sorry about Mjoll but I didn't bring her with me, she was at Largashbur and shes on her way to the nightgate, Johna invited her. Anyway, she clean now honey, and its just to let off steam. you know your the only one i love my sparkly pixie x

          Ok then.     Just spoke to the Tailor in solitude and hes going to make Magrett 3 outfits if she burns them short skirts that you hate, when we get back home.  The mage is going to be arriving a week from today although hes not sure what he can do as hes never come across this problem before. Lets not fight about the lioness anymore, just don't go tiring yourself out before you get back. Got to go, crystles running low.
love and cuddles my little wolfie xx

Friday, 28 March 2014

Memoirs of a Dragonborn - Log 12

Log 12

          When we got to Largashbur it was all a bit of an anticlimax. Just like the postcard suggests, the Malacath Ritual is usually just one big continual unadulterated party, with music, dancing, women, alcohol and Skooma. I was hoping to see Mjoll let her hair down and get wild, but they've obviously been having some problems cos there were only a hand full of the tribe left and their chief Yamarz had banned any form of partying. Apparently he's fed up with "puny humans", drinking all the booze and running off with all the best sheorcs. In fact he made several brave jibes about how me and Mjall shouldn't even be sullying the ritual with our presence in the first place.
       He's turned into a bit of a dick since becoming chief, and apparently he's had a bit of a falling out with a family of travelling cave giants that have decided to stop and pitch up tents in Fallowstone cave. Since they turned up, livestock have gone missing, wheels have been half inched off the Orcs carts, there's Mammoth poo patties all over the place, and you can't leave the camp without one of them trying to force You to buy their lucky Dragon's tongue.
        I pointed out that we had supplied the ingredients for the ritual so he said we could stay, although that didn't stop him from constantly winging about are kind, bloody racist.
        while Atub was mixing the ingredients, and drinking the whole bottle of BlackBrier white spirit, the voice of Malacath boomed from the skies and began giving Yamarz a right roasting. Me and Mjoll ended up in a fit of giggles listening toYamarz being admonished for letting the camp go to ruin. Malacath has charged him with a quest to go and kill Shagratt, the chief giant and bring back his sacred Croquet stick thing. Me and Mjoll were ordered to go with him to make sure he didn't get lost or something. Mjoll don't like to take orders, but as I pointed out, it was a cave, and we get to smash giants, that put a lustful grin back on her face.

          Fallowstone cave turned out to be a small class 3f. About 5 acres, cathedral high ceiling, running water, a medium sized waterfall, and home to a clan of bears, at least there used to be as I'm sure I've been here before. There were no bears, or giants, but there was now a back door in the far chamber that Yamarz said the giants had knocked out into a sunny glade. You could tell by the smell and the fact that Yamarz suddenly had an attack of cowardice that we had neared the giants camp. He started complaining that his war wound was acting up, and started searching in his sack for some medicinal herbs. I've been to the DreamDragons Theatre so I know what good acting is, and Yarmarz's performance was nothing like it, but we came to an agreement. We go kill the giants and we get to stay at Largashbur 4 weeks every year for free and we get some complimentary bath robes. I think me and Mjall had been expecting him to woos out anyway, rucking pussy.

         Well we annihilated the giant and got the Croquet mallet.  Shagratt was the only one there. The rest of his Mess had probably gone out hunting, thieving or whatever it is they do at night, leaving their chief with obviously too much time on his hands. When we crept to the edge of camp he was busy mincing around the fire in some sort of homemade silk dress and tiara, talking in his best lady voice, and blowing kisses to the trees. It was such a funny sight that Mjoll blew her cover with another outburst of the giggles. I did warn her about the Largashbur weed.
       The chief had looked up from his hilarious roll play frozen like an over sized bunny in Mage light, and growled in Mjoll's direction. It was funny. if id had time i would have taken a picture there and then. He was pretty big for a giant, more like a mountain giant, and he hadn't seen me, so i stayed in the shadows and we performed the "Hunters Lure" technique. Its like the game of chicken with a sting. Mjoll gets their attention and then stands her ground while they charge towards her. We've used this move on Bears, Druags and various other mammals many times. I wait in the shadows, weapon drawn, and as the target gets within striking distance of Mjoll, i leap out from nowhere and end their pain. Not once have i seen Mjoll flinch, and i let them get pretty close before i attack. This time i really tried.
         Shagratt would have been an impressive sight as he thundered towards her if not for the fact that he had his mallet in one hand and his dress hem in the other so that his ruby red slippers sparkled in the moonlight.   As he raised his weapon and boar down on Mjoll, id waited later than i ever have before springing from my hide and kebabbing him with my blade. Id let him get so close that blood had spattered onto Mjoll's face, and she didn't even blink, as his charge came to a clumsy halt of disbelief, just feet away from her. His gigantic, Priscilla Queen of the woods body, came crashing down like a mighty tree at Mjolls feet, and shed just looked at me, wiped the blood from her face and let out a roar, crazy bitch.
          We found most of the Orcs cart wheels, remains of livestock, and a couple of sheorcs fast asleep in the chiefs tent, but nothing of interest to the seasoned adventurer so we grabbed the Croquet stick and left

Shrine of Malacath at the giants camp?

          It was no surprise  that when we returned to where Yamarz was now drinking ale and gorging himself on the last of the pulled pork, he said that he had changed his mind about the free accommodation deal, and that he was going to have to kill us. He wanted to take the mallet back and claim all glory of the kill. Well that's 30 seconds ill never get back.Then he tried to leg it, another 30 seconds wasted. Then he tried apologising, but the rules of the C.A.C clearly state "No retreat, no surrender" or "You started this so I'm Gonna finish it"!

          Arrived back at Largashbur after a long night of Revaling and marshmallows by the camp fire, only to find that Malacath was not available for the ritual as he'd popped off to a health spar for the weekend. Instead his eldest daughter Sharunn was standing in for him and she sounded hot. Apparently things have gone pretty much to plan. Malacath knew that Yam would get us to do his dirty work and foresaw that we would dispose of him so all was good in the hood. She said that Yam's offer would be honoured and even signed the bath robes for us. She said that that Nords are more impressive than she had imagined, especially when it comes to ravelling, that we were now her favoured champions, and when i tried to present the  Mallet to her, she said that i should keep it as she wants her champion to have a big mallet. I may have blushed, I'm not sure.
          Its been two days and we are half way to the Nightgate. would have been there by now if someone hadn't jacked our dragon at Largashbur. It was nice sitting by the fire this evening, relaxing in the warm air and free from our armour for the first time in a week, I told Mjoll how Shharun had slipped her calling card in my codpiece as we'd left. Mjoll was stretched out on a cow skin, letting the light from fire dance over her exposed torso, a lusty grin smeared across her face. Turns out that Mjoll had caught the goddesses eye as well...